This morning my agenda says for me to clean the laundry room for an hour after breakfast and shower. While in the shower my brain flitters off to a place I have thought of in years, kind of like my laundry room. My mind took me back to early teens and then, just like in my teens, I was off to the races, literally. I remembered the time in my life where escapism was more than just a high from drugs, alcohol or boys, it was real. My mind told me to run, run as far away from this chaos and confusion as you possibly can. And so I did.
It wasn’t any of the running that hit me in the shower, no, not even the running water was hitting me. My mind was so far into the thoughts of being in a prison for minors, just because I ran away from home. The thoughts I had during my stay in this enslavement camp have stuck with me a lifetime. There was a deep sense of knowing that I was meant for something big. I was meant to help people. But I had no idea what that looked like. I was a child, a pretty guarded child at that. What was little me capable of? I had no idea. I just knew that I was meant for something big.
There were so many other girls in this prison for minors that were like me, they didn’t belong there. They were good kids. I was a good kid, hell I was afraid of being struck by lightning if I did anything outside of the box, anything at all. Why were we here? We weren’t bad. Why were we being punished? And why were we all sent back out into the chaos and confusion with no direction and no help. Back then help didn’t look like what it looks like today. And still today, help is fleeting and lacking in so many ways.
My Higher Power has filled me with incredible desire to help others so many times and in so many ways during my lifetime. Fortunately there have been so many opportunities to hurt, to struggle, to be overwhelmed with direction that all I could do was freeze. and. wait. for the next series of unfortunate events so that I could learn even more, in my sobriety, to finally begin to understand all the ways that He has shown me I can be of maximum service to Him and to the people about me. Addictsinaction.org has been one of the sticky thoughts that require watering and feeding because it is a part of my journey to help people. It is one of the ‘something big’ that is intended for me to carry out.
So, as I am learning to be self-disciplined in my sobriety, I am airing out the laundry, wiping away the dust, and letting the freshness of a clean room overcome me, in my mind. No more excuses to ignore what is before me. If I have learned anything at all it is to not allow the garbage to pile up. Trust God, clean house, help others!